Whether it was a slow creep or sudden flash, at some point you realized that you’re not as orthodox as
a) you used to be
b) other people think you are
c) other people think you should be
d) all of the above
But how on earth do you say that to your mother? When church is the family identity, how do you out yourself without ruining your relationships? My thought: maybe you want to ruin them.
Hear me out. I’m not talking about cutting contact and refusing to speak to anyone. I’m talking about having conversations that allow the current dynamic to break in order for something better to grow. If your relationship can only function when both of you are active members of the church, don’t be scared of letting that change. Yes, it might hurt to work through, but it also hurts to stay where you are. When you’re ready for that first conversation but aren’t sure how to break the news, here are three things to consider.
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What do you want from them in this conversation? Are you looking for feedback? Advice? Are you just wanting to get this off your chest without a full discussion? What you want from them can help determine your approach. If you just want to let them know where you’re at and you're not looking to open up conversation on it, consider writing your thoughts down and letting them read them on their own. Including statements like, “I’m not ready to talk about this more, but I will tell you when I am” can help set boundaries while still allowing room for growth.
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If you’re expecting a poor reception, bring a support person. Whether that’s someone who sits on the couch with you or is waiting in the car outside, having a friend who knows what's going on and is ready to support you can be an important lifeline. No one wants to walk away feeling alone, but you may need to ask someone to be there for you.
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Don’t measure how well it went. Consider this a pass/fail situation, where passing means simply having the conversation. It’s ok if people walk away mad at you. Getting your thoughts out there is a win, no matter how the rest of it goes.
There's nothing we can say or do to control how people react. We can't guarantee a positive response, no matter how much we prepare and try to comfort people. Remember that that's ok: it's not your job to make sure your family never feels sad. They may not see it yet, but talking about where you are with church can be a sign of trust and an invitation to get closer. Give everyone time, yourself included, and keep showing up for each other in whatever ways you can. It can get better. I promise.
Announcements and News
- Expect to see some new resources for nuanced members available on my website. I will be publishing a series of guides to help initiate difficult conversations, beginning with my Baptism Questions for Parents and Children. Be on the lookout for new guides in the coming weeks, and let me know what topics you want to hear about!
The four pillars of Spiritual Sovereignty
mental awareness • emotional intelligence • value affirmation • SPIRITUAL NOURISHMENT
Favorite resource of the moment: For Eleven*
I stumbled on Rachel and Shane's story on Christmas Eve last year, and instantly felt like I had been led there. I had been praying for mentors to help me connect with my support team on the other side of the veil, and this felt like a piece of the puzzle. In the For Eleven Community, Rachel and Shane open up about the loss of their daughter, Kenadie, and how they reconnected with her after she passed. I've always believed that we have loved ones on the other side who want to help us, but I've felt less certain about recognizing their guidance. I've loved this resource because it helps me slow down and pay attention to the everyday signs from our loved ones who are just waiting for us to notice that they're there and ready to help.
Is the friction between you and church wearing you down spiritually? It doesn't have to. Register to be a beta user in "Spiritual Sovereignty", my course for nuanced Latter-day Saints who want to make peace with church without sacrificing their personal values. You get all of my materials—videos, guides, and weekly one-on-one calls— for a fraction of the cost. In exchange, your feedback will help improve the course for future clients.
Is that thought from me or the Spirit?
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*I don't receive anything for this endorsement. I'm just sharing what's been helpful for me in the hopes it helps some of you.
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